Friday, August 9, 2019

Doing the things

When you have battled severe depression as long as I have, you eventually get a sense for when you are about to fall into that deep pit of despair again.  You feel yourself clinging onto the sides of the dark abyss of nothingness, fearfully clawing and digging to keep yourself from being totally consumed.

I have been struggling for a while now, clawing and digging into the sides of the abyss.  Desperately trying to keep my head up and fearing if I let go, just for a minute, even one second, that I will fall so far down I won't recover this time.  Sometimes I feel so broken that I don't even want to hang on anymore.  Sometimes I just don't want to fight at all.  Even though I've been here many times before, each time it feels worse than the last.  I'm tired.  I'm sad.  I'm hurting.  I get so tired of feeling sad and hurt that I try to do the things - the proactive things to make sure I don't fall further down.  I do the self care thing, the getting out of bed every day thing, the eating thing, the going to my therapy appointments thing, the taking my medication thing, the talking to other people and socializing as much as possible thing.  It's really hard and I hate it.  I would much rather just stay in bed with the covers over my head and do the being alone thing.  But instead I'm doing all the things I don't feel like doing in hopes that I will eventually start feeling better, except it isn't working.  I'm still here, still falling, still hiding behind the happy face mask and making everything on the outside appear as "normal" as possible all the while inside I feel like I'm fading away. It feels like the only thing I am doing well at is the depression thing.

So what happens when you do all the right things and nothing works?  I'm doing all the things and I still just want to let go of the sides, stop clawing and digging in to hang on and just allow myself to be swallowed up by the never-ending dark abyss.  I'm not really suicidal. I'm not even angry, there is no rage or irritability.  I just feel incredibly empty and sad.  But those aren't even the right words for it.  I can't find words to exactly describe the feeling I have.  All I know is that is unyielding and unwavering and doing the things isn't working.  Or are they?

These things I'm doing - getting up, getting dressed, eating, managing - they are working, technically.  Doing these things is what is keeping me from completely succumbing to the deep, dark bad place that I really don't want to go to.  If I stopped doing them there would be nothing for me to do.  Right now they are my purpose.  They are what I am clinging to so I can eventually get to a better place mentally.  If the only thing I do in a day is get out of bed and take a shower and make it through the whole day without giving up then that's enough for now.  It might not seem like much, but I assure you those menial tasks that people do in a day are really very hard things to do when you are at war with your own mind.


Anonymous said...

I've battled depression most of my life without even knowing it. I put on a face and do the minimum to survive. It's hard to get out of bed most days I'm truly exhausted. It's only been recently I've been able to even consider the idea of going on. I look healthy on the outside but I'm fragile.

Jenni's Guts said...

I am so sorry to hear you are struggling. Please join me on my new website at for new posts. You can also find links and resources there for support from people who truly understand how you are feeling and what you are going through. Never stop fighting. :)

Be well,

Anonymous said...

Thank you! I'm starting to get some of the fight back in me. It's been a struggle but I'm getting there.