Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Suicide

I've struggle with severe depression since I was about 12 years old.  I have been hospitalized three times for depression.  The most recent time I was in the hospital was last year after a suicide attempt.  I held a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. 

I wanted to die.  I just didn't want to be anymore.  I knew, not just thought - I knew, my family would be better off without me.  My husband would have my life insurance so money wouldn't be an issue anymore.  My daughter would be better off without my inconsistent mood swings.  She could have a normal life  My mother wouldn't have to worry about my frantic, sobbing, complaining phone calls.  Life would be so much better without me.  It wasn't just feelings. I knew it as fact in my head.  It was a relief for me to think of dying because it was my only way out. 

My depression had taken me to a place that was not only dark and scary, but it fed me lies about myself and my reality.  No amount of talking to me would make a difference.  It only made me feel more like dying when I was told if I killed myself my family would be devastated.  The way I understood it was if I lived they would have to deal with me being so sick and disturbed forever.  But if I died their pain would only last a little while and then their lives would go on. 

Thankfully, the gun was not loaded, and all I felt was this enormous sense of stupidity.  I couldn't even kill myself right. I was too dumb to know the gun wasn't loaded.  This brought on a different kind of depression.  A more desperate depression and a feeling of complete brokenness.  

Now, I am glad that the gun wasn't loaded.  I'm glad I'm living.  But it isn't always that easy for me.  And it isn't always that easy for so many others suffering from depression and/or other mental illness.

I recently came across this website - Speaking of Suicide, promoted by this Facebook page I follow called Suicide Shatters.  They posted an article about what NOT to say to a person who says they want to kill themselves.  I've heard every one of these things and none of them helped me.  No matter what anyone said I could always justify why suicide was the only answer. Please read this so you know what not to say, and what to say, to a suicidal person. 

Read article here.  It takes five minutes.  It could help you save a life.
10 Things Not To Say To A Suicidal Person

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