Thursday, May 22, 2014

...but you have your health

I heard someone say "...but you have your health" the other day and it made me stop and think.  What about us who don't have our health.  We have problems in our lives, parenting, relationships, work life, etc... and no one can say to us "...but you have your health", because we don't.  We also have problems with our health.

I am still currently under treatment for my severe depression.  I am struggling to find my happy.  I am taking loads of medicine and playing the therapy game and I am just so depressed, angry, and hopeless. I think it's all me. I don't think that medicine or therapy can help.  All I want to do is stay in bed and let the world go on without me.  I can't shake it.  I'm just tired.  I'm tired of being sick and pooping all the time and having pain all the time, yet trying to prove to Social Security Disability that yes, yes I am sick enough for their financial help.

To answer some questions that I get through the comments (which I am very grateful for so keep on commenting because I love it!) I am not on Remicade or Humira or any other drugs for Crohn's.  I do not have "active disease" according to the doctors and the tests.  I have all the symptoms but they cannot find the active disease so they refuse to give me any kind of medication that will help.  It's a constant battle with the doctors.

I'm tired of feeling like this.  I don't know how much longer I can take it.  This is what it's like when you don't have your health. My mind is slipping also.  I forget words and can't remember what to call things.  Like the dust pan.  I was trying to stay dust pan the other day and all I could come up with is the dust shovel and I knew that wasn't right.  The rheumatologist tells me I have memory loss from the Fibromyalgia. Every one of my joints hurt AND I'm losing my mind?!  Nice.

I feel like a burden to my family.  I can't do the things I used to and honestly, I just don't want to.  I can't even make it through a grocery store without having to stop and poop.  It's embarrassing and ridiculous.  My life is a total joke.  Yes, it could be worse but it really could be a lot better.

Next time you tell someone that at least they have their health, think about the invisible illnesses.  Not everyone does

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

((BIG HUGS)) and prayers

Anonymous said...

l know how you feel some time's when l get sore l go and lie down and just wait till it's not sore anymore
sometime's u can't see the end but l'll keep looking and hope u do to

Amber said...

I'm so sorry that it's so tough... I was diagnosed 14 years ago and go through those waves of emotion, especially being so over it all! But I must say that I have had a lot of success to prolong remission and reduce symptoms with a combo of eastern medicine - have you tried alternative therapies eg: acupuncture, energetic healing, diet and supplements? I get to a "I'll try anything" stage, so I've done almost everything! What's worked and not worked for you?

Anonymous said...

Hi Jenni,

I have just started reading your blog. Keep it up. Being a newbie to your blog am Not sure of what youve tried. Me - being 15 yearsvin with this have tried, grasped, hoped and attempted mnay remedies. Anyway one thing you mentioned in your post struck a cord. You said "the dr's don't see active crohns so can't medicate" I had the same issue. As of last year I started researching inflammation and made a simple yet tough change. That led me from going 10 times a day to 1-2 times a day. And having my first solid crap for years. I was so proud I almost wanted to show people. Have a look at "the whole 30" by Melissa hartwig