Wednesday, March 5, 2014

A journey to find my Happy

I saw my psychiatrist today for my depression.  She adjusted some of my medication, but the biggest thing she wants me to change is the fact I am not in counseling.  I've done the counseling thing on and off since I was 10 years old - when my Dad was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  I told her I didn't think therapy would work for me because I obviously wouldn't be in this shape if it ever had.  But she said I need to find my "inner happiness".  I've decided to accept the challenge.

I've spent a lot of time at home alone, thinking and thinking and thinking about my situation.  The more I think about it the further down this deep dark hole I've fallen.  I feel like a failure at life because of my sicknesses.  I feel guilty for my husband having to constantly work.  I feel like a loser for sitting here all day doing practically nothing because I don't feel good.  I shun the sun.  The most I go outside is to either drop off or pick up my daughter from school and if I can get out of that I will.  I've become consumed in being sick.  I'm not funny anymore.  This blog is a total drag and I don't think it's helping anyone.  So I've decided my doctor was right.  I need to find my Happy.  I'm going to go back to therapy.


Anonymous said...

Oh Jenni. I am so sorry for the pain you are in. I have Crohns too, diagnosed in 1980 but it was there at least 20 years before that. I read your blog because it does help to know there are others out there who deal with this mess. It helps even when you can only wish they felt better.
I'm glad you are going back to therapy. I would do that too if I could find the money. But I have to say that all those things you mentioned - guilt and feeling like a loser - well, that would only be right if you chose to have Crohn's and the other problems you have. You didn't have a choice. Please try not to blame yourself because it isn't your fault.
Finding your happy will be hard, I expect. In the meantime I'm hoping you find some peace.

Megan Schiffner said...

Dear Jenni,
I love reading Jenni’s Guts, especially the “shit happens” and “don’t say this” sections - because they capture the essence of practical problems of IBD that we are all thinking but don’t have but don’t want to say to anyone around us. I love the fun and humorous ways you talk about poo. I don’t normally find poo all that funny or an appropriate topic to talk, let alone joke about (I’m kind of uptight) but a lot of these made me laugh out loud.
I’ve got a IBD-related blog that I hope you will allow me to link to you in the future -
I especially appreciate hearing the heart-felt blog sections where you talk about your struggles. I totally understand the frustration of having a normal life practically stolen away from you by your illness.
I've just recently come across which has been a great encouragement for me when I'm feeling beaten down by my Crohn's disease. Keep your chin up. You are worth so much to those around you and your blog is reaching those of us with IBD in an impactful way as well.
Keep up the great work! Hugs - Megan

Megan Schiffner said...

On a more personal note - if you need someone to talk to (a fellow "crohnie" so to speak) I'm here for you. My name is Megan and I'd love to be a friendly, open ear if ever you need me. I know talking to a complete stranger can seem like a weird or uncomfortable proposition, but just recently I've gotten more involved with people in the Crohn's and UC community and its amazing to be able to talk to people who are going through the same things as you and understand how hard it is when there loved ones don't understand (sorry, run-on sentence). But I'm here. You're not alone. Being sick SUCKS but being sick and feeling alone sucks more. Here's my email and if you do want to talk, email me and I can give you my number.
Hugs, Meg

Jenni said...

Thanks for the wonderful comments. They have helped me a lot. MEGAN-I'd love to be friends. I'll link your blog to mind. HUGS!