I sit on the toilet and just cry. I hurt. My butt hurts. It feels like I am pooping napalm out my ass. It burns. I'm fortunate to have my bathroom sink right in front of the toilet so I can put my head down on it. I'm so tired I feel like I might fall off the toilet. I'm so weak I'd have to stay on the floor until someone noticed I was missing. I feel like an invalid. No energy, no happiness, no food because everything makes me poop. I've lost a ton of weight (not complaining) but all I do is poop. I can drink a glass of water and it makes me poop. Dehydration is the new black I think. I swear I don't know how these supermodels do it. I honestly feel like I'm slowly dying. For real.
So I cry. I cry a lot any more. I'm feeling quite sorry for myself and the life I am forced to live. I can't go anywhere without having to poop. I am barely working because I feel so bad. I can't enjoy anything anymore. I am considering going on disability but I know that will be a huge long process of applying and being denied several million times. We have bills piling up to the ceiling and no way to pay them. I really do hate life right now.
This is a brutally honest account of what it has been like for me the past several months. I went to the hospital last Friday because I was so dehydrated and in pain and couldn't stop pooping. Until they needed a stool sample and they kept me in the ER waiting for six hours.... I didn't go once. Not once! So they sent me home. I barely made it before I had to go. I hate this disease. I hate everything it has done to my body and my spirit. Right now, my symptoms are winning and I don't have the strength to fight anymore. The doctors just look at me and shake their heads in either confusion or frustration. No one can help me. I just have to be this way. So I cry. Please just pass me the tissues.