Monday, December 9, 2013

Cry Baby

I sit on the toilet and just cry.  I hurt.  My butt hurts.  It feels like I am pooping napalm out my ass.  It burns.  I'm fortunate to have my bathroom sink right in front of the toilet so I can put my head down on it.  I'm so tired I feel like I might fall off the toilet.  I'm so weak I'd have to stay on the floor until someone noticed I was missing.  I feel like an invalid.  No energy, no happiness, no food because everything makes me poop.  I've lost a ton of weight (not complaining) but all I do is poop.  I can drink a glass of water and it makes me poop.  Dehydration is the new black I think.  I swear I don't know how these supermodels do it.  I honestly feel like I'm slowly dying. For real.

So I cry. I cry a lot any more.  I'm feeling quite sorry for myself and the life I am forced to live.  I can't go anywhere without having to poop.  I am barely working because I feel so bad.  I can't enjoy anything anymore.  I am considering going on disability but I know that will be a huge long process of applying and being denied several million times.  We have bills piling up to the ceiling and no way to pay them.  I really do hate life right now.

This is a brutally honest account of what it has been like for me the past several months.  I went to the hospital last Friday because I was so dehydrated and in pain and couldn't stop pooping.  Until they needed a stool sample and they kept me in the ER waiting for six hours.... I didn't go once.  Not once!  So they sent me home.  I barely made it before I had to go.  I hate this disease.  I hate everything it has done to my body and my spirit.  Right now, my symptoms are winning and I don't have the strength to fight anymore.  The doctors just look at me and shake their heads in either confusion or frustration.  No one can help me.  I just have to be this way.  So I cry. Please just pass me the tissues.


Ren said...

I'm so glad I found your blog.. I just got out of the hospital myself and am on another round of steroids.. Yay.. :-|

Sheridan said...

Jenni, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I just found your blog about a month ago while I was recovering from parastomal hernia repair surgery in November. I've had Crohn's since 1990 (I was 11), got my ileostomy in 1996, had two babies that led to the hernia, blah, blah, blah. I spent the better part of the last six weeks in the hospital recovering from another surgery for complications from the first hernia surgery. This holiday season has sucked big time!! My babies are seven and two, and the only time I was content in the hospital was when my hubby brought them to see me. I am also an LPN, but my first and best job is being a mom. This latest post of yours made me cry for you and made me reflect on the last six weeks and how horrible Crohn's is. You are not alone. Your blog is great and I have thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I hope you are doing better. I'll be thinking of you and sending prayers up!!!

Lindsay Lohse said...

Hi Jenni,
I am so so sorry. And I know exactly how you feel. I have crohn's and was very very sick. Exactly everything you just wrote hurt my heart because I know exactly how that is, I've been there. I don't know if you have ever heard of the SCDiet. Its not some crazy diet that you can try it actually heals the inflammation in your gut. It starves it out. There is an intro diet that you start on and you start by eating cooked, peeled and de-seeded squash, carrotts, and homemade chicken broth and soup. You even puree all your steemed veggies at first and you slowly add things into your diet as you heal. If you never gave it a shot before, please try it....sounds like you were just like me and really have nothing to loose.. This changed my life. I don't think I would be here and the place I'm at without it. My blog has info about it and you can also contact me through there if you need anything at all. Best wishes to you my dear. And please PLEASE don't hesitate to ever reach out.