Thursday, July 25, 2013

Panic!

Hello, I'm your panic attack.  I'll be taking over your mind for the next hour or so.  And also your breathing, you ability to see, walk, reason and make sense of anything happening to you.  Sit back and enjoy the ride because there ain't a damn thing you can do about it!  Bwahahahaha!!!

And that's been my life for the past five days.  I've had three panic attacks in five days and have no idea why other than one of my doctor's decided to play around with my depression medication (I swear, just for her own amusement) and now I'm flat out convinced I'm going mad. 

If you are wondering what a panic attack feels like, let me explain to you what happens to me.  It's happened three times and each time is pretty much identical to the last. 

First my hands start to feel tingly and I start becoming very shaky - almost as if it's a sugar low.  When it first happened I thought this was what was happening.  Taking in sugar doesn't help and drinking orange juice from a coffee mug didn't help when it was chattering off my teeth from the shakes.

Next the tingling feeling in my hands travels up to my elbows and the tip of my nose goes numb.  My vision starts to narrow and my peripheral vision is almost black but what I can see is off, wonky, not blurry but kind of like when you are drunk or stoned.  (Not that I'd know that!)  Eventually my whole nose and parts of my cheeks are completely numb.  I can't feel my hands and arms at all now either.

My breathing increases and my heart rate increases.  The fight or flight response kicks in and I try to get up and move but my legs won't work.  I wobble around staggering as if I'm drunk. (Again, wouldn't personally know).  I can't move.  I have to move. 

It's hot now, really hot.  My clothes are causing me to itch as if I have a million little tiny fleas nipping at me causing me to scratch my skin raw.  I can't breathe, I can't get enough air.  Why is it so hot?  I need air!!

I can't feel my face, my face is numb.  What do I do? Oh my God what is happening.  I can't see straight.  I'm shaking all over.  Am I having a seizure?   I don't know.  I should know this, I'm a nurse. I can't remember anything.  What do I do?  Breathe?  I don't know how to breathe?  There is no air.

My heart is racing, My face is wet - is that sweat?  No, I'm crying.  Why am I crying?  I can't control anything.  I don't like this.  Make it stop, Make it stop.  My husband is beside me shouting at me to breathe.  I am breathing - aren't I? 

God help me I'm going mad. 

I'm so tired.  I feel sick to my stomach.  I want to lie down.  What is all over me? I can't stop itching.

Breathe! He repeats.  Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.  Calm down.
I want to comply but I can't.  I can't.  Why is he yelling at me?  Why am I crying?  What the hell is happening to me and why can't I make it stop?

That's been three out of the last five days for me.  I see the doctor Tuesday.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you have been dealing with this, as well as your health problems. You are such an inspiration to us! It almost sounds like a nervous system issue and/or allergic reaction. I hope you do not have anymore episodes, and your doctors can help.
Best Wishes!

tracy.rose@healthline.com said...

Hi Jenni,

Healthline editors recently published their final list of the top Crohn’s blogs on the web for 2013 and Jenni’s Guts made the list. You can find the complete list at http://www.healthline.com/health-slideshow/best-crohns-blogs (in no particular order). We encourage you to share your newfound status as one of the best blogs on the web with your friends, family, & followers.

We also created a set of badges you can easily embed on your site & anywhere else you see fit:

http://www.healthline.com/health/28920

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Congratulations!

Warm Regards,
Tracy

tracy.rose@healthline.com said...

Hi Jenni,

Healthline has just released their list of Best Crohn's Apps for this year: http://www.healthline.com/health-slideshow/best-iphone-android-apps-crohns-disease. Much like your blog, these apps were thoughtfully chosen by our editorial team. They were also medically reviewed by our in-house team. As a winner of our Best Blogs this year, we thought that you might be interested in sharing this list with your audience in hopes that they will find some of these apps useful. Thanks again for creating a wonderful resource for the Crohn's community!

Kindly,

Alex Sten
Healthline Team

tracy.rose@healthline.com said...

Hi Jenni,

Together with the help of our Crohn's FB community (https://www.facebook.com/CrohnsDiseaseHealthline) we compiled a list of Crohn's-inspired tattoos. We would love if you could help share their stories with your friends and followers.

You can find the list at: http://www.healthline.com/health-slideshow/crohns-tattoos#1

Thank you in advance for your consideration.

Warm Regards,
Tracy