A while back I was in the hospital for the belly troubles. Lots of pain, lots of pooping and way too little intake of fluids to continue the way I was. When you are in that kind of state the doctors like to push you and see just how uncomfortable and completely insecure they can make you feel. Or maybe that's just me. This visit started with a small bowel follow through. Followers of this blog will know that this is my favorite of all the tests because I can complete the test from first drink of barium, which all things considered is not the worst thing I have ever had to drink, to pooping out the barium in 10 minutes. Easy, peasy!
They came back and said that everything seemed normal with my Xrays except that they could see some sort of "capsule" in my right ileac crest (hip bone area). They thought taking me to Ultrasound would help clarify the mystery. Only it didn't. Nothing showed up. But the Ultrasound Tech did a fine job at freaking me out by saying things like: "This has to be something left from one of your surgeries." and "This shouldn't be here." and "Now we can't find it." and "We looked back on your other tests and it was there four years ago!" and, my personal favorite "Are you sure you've never been shot?" Really? Oh I'm not freaking out at all lady, thanks!
Then they decided to add a little more humiliation to my already non stressful hospital visit and subject me to a colonoscopy the day after the small bowel follow through. Now one would think that is a stupid idea, considering I just drank two huge cups of a very heavy element that isn't always so quick to leave the gut. But with the way I was pooping and the amount of prep they gave me before the colonoscopy they didn't seem to think it would be a problem. Stupid.
Now I learned my lesson from the last time I prepped for a colonoscopy in the hospital and didn't take any of my pain medication because I wanted to be able to get up when I had to go and I didn't want to risk pooping the bed - again. That didn't matter. Crapping myself at night is now my new thing apparently. Not once but twice did I shat myself and my bed. Why does this disease have to be so fracking humiliating and horrific sometimes!?!
So after getting all cleaned up not once, but twice, it was time for the colonoscopy. I was pleasantly knocked out but not before the nurses decided they needed to expose my huge butt to the entire room of people all the while asking me if I was warm enough. "Um, no, my ass is hanging out, can you wait to do that? It's not a pretty sight seriously, no one should see that." They just laughed and continued adjusting the towels underneath me. Obviously my reputation had preceded me. And with a deep breath and a strict order to the doctor not to even think about touching me until I was completely knocked out, I was out.
I woke up to be told nothing other than they couldn't see anything because there was too much barium in my intestinal lining. Hmmm, really? Who would have thought? Stupid. I was released the next day and told to follow up with Dr. GI. Okay then.
It took me a while to get in with Dr. GI but when I did he thought that my still continuing nausea, diarrhea and now increased pain didn't warrant another trip to the hospital. It warranted a CT Scan and a return visit in a month and if by chance I am still feeling poorly then he'd do another colonoscopy. Then Dr. GI looked at me and shook his head and said - and I quote - "I don't know why you're so sick." What a confidence booster, dude! But the kicker is they gave me this contrast that you are supposed to drink the night before and the morning of your CT scan. What they don't seem to understand is that particular contrast acts as a laxative on me. So I am expected to drink this before I go to bed, more than likely shat the bed, then wake up and drink more, poop that out too and then go have a CT scan where they will ask me why I didn't drink the contrast. Stupid!
So in retaliation my body decided to get the flu and an upper respiratory infection from hell instead. I was sick for the past week with a 103 fever but hey, the diarrhea ceased finally. That is until I started the antibiotics. Now the diarrhea is back with a vengeance and brought it's yeast infection friends.
Sometimes my life is just stupid.