Friday, April 20, 2012

When I'm done...

I found this post hanging out in my "draft" folder.  I have no idea when I wrote it or why I never posted it.  Funny, it still applies...

I'm done with Crohn's. I'm done with pain. I'm done with pain that has no cause or physical reason. I am done with scar tissue and surgeries and tests and X-rays. So done that I might have just crossed over into denial. I'm over being sick and feeling horrible. I'm tired of being tired. I have a headache from having headaches and my stomach hurts from stomach pain. I don't want to be the medical mystery of the doctor's office any more. I don't want to feel like some psycho with Münchausen syndrome because everything comes back normal on my tests. So, I am done. It's over. I'm out. It's finished. I'm done.

These thoughts are what rolls around in my head all day long. But it's not that easy. I can say I'm done but in all reality I am very far from being done. I have a battle to fight and a war to win and I will. Even if I am done Crohn's and it's crohnie friends (scar tissue, pain, prednisone, diarrhea, bloating, etc...) aren't taking the hint. They aren't done with me. So I fight. Every day I fight.

Get up, get out of bed, shower, get my daughter to school, get to work. Work, portray normal, suffer through and pray to God for strength when I have none left. Go home, fix dinner, be a mom, be a wife, be a friend, try to relax and de-stress. Finally, bedtime. Praise God He helped me make it through one more day. Sleep some and get up to do it all over again.


Belinda said...

I totally get what you're talking about. Somehow it sometimes helps us cope - knowing that we're not alone but doesnt take all the challenges & pain away. Good luck with it all!

Steve Balliett said...

Dear Jenni,

I understand what it means to be so done with it all. At one point I just couldn't stand it any more.

I noticed that you relate well to the LORD.

When I was in the middle of the worst of my Crohn's attacks (constant vomiting and massive knive stabbing stomach aches) I would recall scriptures that helped me to get through each episode.

1. Jeremiah 30:17...For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the LORD; because they called thee an Outcast, saying, This is Zion, whom no man seeketh after.

2. Proverbs 3:5,6...Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

And lastly -

3. Philippians 4:19... But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

I kept asking GOD to give me the power to submit to Him - so that I could keep an open mind when the time came for Him to give me the help I needed.

And when the help finally did come, I followed through and got control of this nasty Crohn's Disease which I hated.

Please keep up the good courage that you are so bravely showing. You are to be commended for your strength.