Thursday, April 12, 2012

Challenge Day 12

"Today I looked in the mirror and"... thought, holy cow I look like crap!  I'm so tired lately.  I sleep and don't feel rested.  At least the Lomotil worked last night and I didn't have to get up and use the bathroom a gazillion times.  I really need to get my roots colored.  I am just too tired to care.  I hate wearing these glasses and miss the days of just wearing contacts.  My eyes aren't so spectacular anymore.  Just plain old green and boring.  Nothing special about them anymore.  I wish I could lose about 80 pounds.  With all the diarrhea and feeling like crap you'd think I could.  I have lost a good 14 pounds though and that's good.  I'm just so exhausted lately.  It is hard to stave off the depression when all I feel like doing is staying in bed with the covers over my head.  That's the trouble with chronic illness.  It's just a vicious circle.   Pain leads to exhaustion which leads to sleeping which leads to not wanting to move which leads to more pain which leads to exhaustion.  My body hurts.  I can't take the Fibromyalgia medications like I was because of the "accidents" at night.  Too many muscle relaxers accelerate the exhaustion so I don't wake up in time to go.  Sometimes I just hate my body.  I know it isn't my fault.  I know that I didn't chose this and that I am strong enough to handle it.  But some days I just don't feel like a warrior.  I can pretend a good game though.  I can pretend I am strong and usually that is what shows though but to be honest with myself, when I look in this mirror all I see is how scared and weak I am.  I don't want to live my life like this but yet, this is my life.  I know I need to come to grips with the fact that I will never be truly healthy and normal.  My normal is this.  My normal is picking myself up and dusting myself off on a daily basis.  Maybe that's not so abnormal though.  I just feel so much older than I really am.  I really feel like I am rambling on at this point but that is the point of this day's challenge.  To write for 15 minutes uninterrupted.  No editing, no changing, just write and post.  Well, here it is.  The deep seeded secrets of what I think when I look in the mirror in the morning.  It's not pretty.  I'm not allowed to edit to put the positive spin on my post like I always try to do.  In reality funny Jenni is actually pretty dark and miserable.  I hate what I see when I look in the mirror and I really haven't ever come to grips with the fact that there isn't much I can do to change it.  Yesterday was a really bad day.  I think today is going to be a bad day too.  I'm sorry.

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