Thursday, December 8, 2011

I have Special Eyes Part I

I'm having the eye surgery.  I met with the surgeon on Monday and he feels he can do some good by performing cataract surgery on both of my eyes.  It may even improve my vision enough that I will be able to wear normal glasses and/or contacts.  But apparently I have to see a retina specialist first.  I have evidence of an old detachment that needs repaired.  I'm supposed to see that doctor next Wednesday.  I'm a little freaked out.  So how does one have an old retina detachment, you wonder?  Well, when you are 19 years old and you get hit in the side of the head by your manipulative, controlling and abusive boyfriend, that's how.  At least that's what happened to me.  Needless to say I will be sending this bill to him.  (Fun Fact: He's on Facebook if you want to private message him and tell him thanks for me!)

Anywhoo...the retina doctor will be using a laZer (I like to use "Z's" to spell laZer cause it looks way cooler and you have to imagine me saying it doing air quotes like on Austin Powers, but I digress.)  So they will use a laZer and tack up this detachment and create scar tissue to hold it in place.  The good thing is we know that my body is really good at creating scar tissue so this should be an easy fix.  The problem is that they use no anesthetic or sedation of any kind and they actually expect me to hold still for this.  HA!  We all know I will have to poop half way in the middle and ruin the whole thing.  Wait for it.

After they fix that I should be able to go back to the cataract surgeon and have my eyes measured for my new lenses.  By new lenses I mean the new actual lenses they will put INSIDE my eyes because they will be removing the old ones.  I can't know this.  It's too weird.  I YouTubed it.  I shouldn't have. This process, however is done WITH sedation.  Except I can't wear my contacts for four weeks (or longer depending on how the retina laZer procedure goes) before they do the measurements.  Something about wearing the contacts reshapes the eye.  I don't know, I stopped listening after they mentioned laZers and no sedation.  The bottom line is that if all goes the way it should - and it never does with me - I should have new special eyes by the middle of February.  It's a process but I think it will be worth it. 

The eye surgeon said my special eyes were "impressive'.  I believe they are.  I also believe it was impressive the way the student doctor working with the surgeon stood back about six feet in a feeble attempt to look at my special eyes while remaining far enough away as to not actually touch me for fear of the specialness rubbing off on him.  But what is NOT impressive is me being stuck wearing these crazy glasses and looking like a freak for the next four weeks.  Oh I said it, I'm a freak.  I'm not brave enough to post a picture of myself in these glasses but I may after it's all over and I never have to wear them again.   

Stay tuned because this is going to be a fascinating process!!

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