Friday, July 22, 2011

Ironic twist of events

Many more times than I would care to remember I have had to pull over while driving and/or find somewhere -anywhere- to go to the bathroom.  Missing part of my intestinal tract has caused certain, shall we say, urgency issues and a grave inability to "hold it".  When I have to poop I have to POOP RIGHT NOW!  I have pushed small children aside, I have stepped on (okay, tripped over) dogs and possibly a cat or two, and most recently I slammed the computer into my husband's head while tossing it aside to make a run for the bathroom.  I have also had to poop in many places that I would not care to remember because I just couldn't wait to get to a nicer, cleaner or more sanitary place.  (See Bill Pooped Here for a recap of  fellow Crohnie's likewise situations)

That being said, I have been taking this stupid diuretic to help with the edema I'm experiencing and I have been peeing like crazy.  I take the pill when I am walking out the door on my way to work each morning.  I have just enough time to make it to work before the Pee Olympics begin each day.  At least that is the way it has worked for the past two weeks or so.  Today was a different story. Today there was an ironic twist of events.

There was a huge back up on the highway and I was stuck smack in the middle of it.  Barely creeping along I felt my bladder beginning to fill.  I kept telling myself, "I can make it, I can make it."  But those positive thoughts quickly turned to, "There is no place (safe place, that is) to go even if you get off the highway so you better make it!" when my quickly filling bladder began cramping in pain.  I was going all of about 10mph and every little bump make the problem that much worse.  I was going to pee my pants right there in the car.  This was not good!

I somehow managed to get over two lanes and took the first exit I came too and just drove to the nearest gas station I could find.  I had no choice.  Bad neighborhood be damned this girl had to pee in a bad way!!  I was sure once I actually got out of the car it was going to start dribbling down my legs at this point.  I think I must have ran at least three lights and cut off an old lady crossing the street with her walker but I finally found a SUNOCO gas station.  I know from past horrible experiences that these particular stations do not have "public restrooms" because they are totally prejudice against people who have to void their bodily wastes.  Apparently the attendants don't even go there because I have been told there "are no bathrooms" at these stations.  Whatever!  So I knew what I was in for and I had derived a plan in the two seconds it took me to park and get out of the car.  I was on a mission when I ran in.

Me: "I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM IMMEDIATELY! I   KNOW YOU HAVE ONE AND YOU WILL LET ME USE IT OR I WILL STAND HERE AND PEE MY PANTS RIGHT NOW!  WHEREISYOURBATHROOMBECAUSETHISISANEMERGENCY?!"

The girl behind the counter looked at me as if I was speaking a completely undiscovered language.  Her mouth literally gaped open. In her defense, I'm pretty sure my words all came out like one big word.

Me: "WHERE IS YOUR BATHROOM??"

The girl just pointed. "There."

I went in, slammed the door, threw my keys down, dropped my pants and wondered how I managed to make my way into the holiest of holy places at a SUNOCO.  Twelve minutes later I was still peeing.  Okay, probably not that long but I went a lot.  Put myself together and went to the sink.  No water.  Really?  Of course.  Perfect!

I walked out and told the lady that she had no idea how much I appreciated it.  She didn't even look at me as I walked out.  I think she was too busy faxing my picture to the police station.


I did manage to make it to work before I had to go again despite the fact that I got myself completely lost trying to find a bathroom.  Barely.

(Oh and before I get a bunch of comments about the "Can't Wait" cards from the CCFA explaining that I have a medical condition that requires I use the restroom facilities immediately - those don't work in Ohio.  At least they never worked anywhere I've tried to use them.  People think you make it up, don't understand it and still require a 45 minute detailed conversation as to what it means and why I can't just go three doors down to the restaurant bla bla bla.  Time I just never seem to have.  For pooping and now for peeing.  Just sayin'.)

I'm staying up to catch the news at 11 to see the story about the crazy woman who demanded to use the bathroom at the SUNOCO in Downtown Dayton, Ohio.  I'm sure the police sketch won't do me justice.

3 comments:

Zara said...

Am I allowed to say, as a fellow Crohn's buddy, that this story definately made me laugh? But... in a 'better to laugh than cry' kinda way! Oh dear!

Ragamuffin said...

familiar happenings on the colon front, definitely don't think that i'd be able to pull that off with the bladder. if i am ever on a diuretic stronger than what is in midol, i will be purchasing one of those Swedish pee cups for when you just can't stop driving. :)

Tim said...

This is a pretty funny post. I can't count the times that I have been in the same situation.