Sunday, April 3, 2011

Tales from the Restroom

Several things have happened in the last weeks that have allowed for the writing genius that will be this blog post.  I hope you enjoy... and learn. 



Tale #1
When grocery shopping it is inevitable that I will need to use the restroom.  I'm not sure if it is the sight of food that churns my stomach and consequently makes my bowels think they must empty immediately or the fact that I just can't go more than an hour without a visit to my porcelain god.  Either way, I found myself walking (quickly) to the potty, yet again, while shopping.  When trying the handle I soon realized that the Women's Room was locked.  Without a thought I just turned around and tried the Men's Room door.  It was unlocked so I just went in, locked the door behind me and did what I do.  No real thought to what anyone may have thought seeing me enter...or exit.  I really don't care. I actually have used a Men's Room on several occasions.  I mean, why not?  I live with a man - what's the big deal. When I have to go there is no being polite, proper, gender biased or anything else.  It is a dire situation and relief must come at ANY expense.

Tale #2
At any expense is putting it mildly.  I almost near knocked down a little girl in a public restroom the other day as she was slowly making her way out of the stall and dancing around not paying attention as I desperately tried to get into the stall behind her.  Stupid kid shouldn't have been in my way like that.  I mean, it's not like it's a PUBLIC Restroom or anything.  All restrooms are for me and me only, right? Okay, not my finest hour, but I had to poop. Give me a break.

Tale #3
If I wasn't using the public restroom at the time and could have gotten off the toilet and out of the stall with my pants where they belong and not around my knees I would have knocked out an old lady in the restroom a couple months ago.  She was complaining about the smell.  I soooo wanted to say "Seriously lady, IT'S A BATHROOM.  PEOPLE POOP IN HERE!  IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO SMELL LIKE ROSES AND CANDLES.  I don't like to be judged.  And if you must judge me and my bowel smells, I prefer "4 stars" or  "2 enthusiastic thumbs up"!  I know my poop smells.  I am already self conscious about it.  Thanks for making me feel worse. You have a good day too."

Tale #4
This is more bathroom etiquette than anything else.  Do your make up at home.  Don't stand in the public bathroom while I am trying to release all the wicked evil inside my intestines and do your make up.  It only embarrasses you and me.  Put your face on at home. Especially when you know that someone is in the stall just waiting for you to leave so they can have some privacy.  Check your make up, if you must, but do it while you wash your hands.  If you break out your compact, powder, blush, mascara, eyeshadow, and all your coordinating brushes to apply said items (and I can't tell because I can hear all your primping) I am going to fart as loud as possible and it's going to smell really, really bad and be really, really loud.  Then, when I finish, I am going to come out there and punch you in your newly painted face. You have been warned.

Tale #5
More bathroom etiquette.  When there are nine separate stalls and I am in the one on the end and no one else is in here but you and I, if you must come into the restroom at all, don't sit in the stall right next to me.  Go at LEAST two stalls over.  Seriously, you are just stupid if you can't follow this rule.

Tale #6
I am shocked at the way mothers talk to their children in public bathrooms.  I have commented on this before about the "Potty Monster" and other such nonsense that mothers yell at their children about.  But lately I have come to realize what the exact cause of all this bowel trouble like IBS and IBD is.  It's mothers who constantly tell their children to "Hurry up!!" and nag them with the "Aren't you done yet?!" comments.  I fully believe that this causes us to have some, if not all, of these bowel hang ups.  So mothers, please, shut up and let your kid take as long as they need.  You might be in a hurry but their bowels clearly aren't.  If you don't like how long they are taking just sit down, shut up, and count your blessings because you clearly have never had a bout of constipation, diarrhea or just generally needed to take five minutes to poop a day in your life.  Lucky you!

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