Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Alone in a sea of people

Have you ever felt alone in a sea of people? That's how I feel today. We are learning about the digestive system in A & P now and I am learning (again) about what all the parts (that I don't have anymore) do for your body. During a break I explained to my teacher what I had removed and she looked at me with concern in her eyes and said "That's not good." Nice. So for the rest of class I sat and listened while she explained how things are supposed to work in a normal healthy digestive system.

I realized today, now more than ever before, what I am lacking in my body and how much it affects my daily living. How my body makes up for what I am lacking is not normal. I am not normal. For the first time I kind of feel a little bit like a freak. I have tried so hard since my surgeries to live like a normal person dispite my limitations, but there it was today...the normal digestive system staring back at me from my book and I will never again have those parts that they took out of me. I'll never get them back. Sometimes I wonder if it was really necessary. Sometimes I wonder if it was worth it. Sometimes I just wonder.

And though I am surrounded by a sea of people I feel so alone. My body hurts, my stomach hurts, my heart hurts. And I really feel like no one can truly understand this. I try so hard to appear normal on the outside that I forget sometimes how empty I am on the inside.

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