Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I wonder

Some days I wonder if healthy people really understand what it feels like to have to try and live a normal life while trying to control a chronic and sometimes painful disease. I don't think they could ever know. For their sake, I hope they never have to find out.

I am struggling today. My head feels like there is a vise on it that just keeps getting tighter and tighter. My vision is blurry and foggy. I'm a little bit nauseated and yet I am at work trying to do the best job I can do despite these feelings. I've been in the bathroom more than a few times today and my stomach is hurting a little as well. The 40 mg of Prednisone still has me shaky yet with unsteady balance I am trying to appear as normal as possible. I sit at a desk and do computer work most of the day but the combination of the computer screen, the fluorescent lights and the background noise from others I have about reached my limit for the week - and it's only Tuesday! I hate that this disease and medication side effects get me so down. I just want to be healthy, ya know. I just want to be able to come to work and not worry about things like restrooms, what I can and can't eat, pain, jitters, etc, etc, etc....

I look at all the other people here walking around and wonder if there is anything "wrong" with them or anything that they are fighting against internally. I am sure the answer is yes. But isn't it sad how I tend to feel all alone in this world of Crohn's with medical terminology, side effects, medication and test procedures floating around inside my head? I know I am not alone in feeling like this or in going through what I am going through. But today, at this very minute I feel all by myself and the whole rest of the world looks completely normal.

My head hurts. My eyes hurt. I want to go home. 2 more hours to go... Why can't everyone just understand I'm sick and I can't help it?? I don't want to be this way.

1 comment:

BrightSide said...

I'm here! You're not alone!

Your posts and comments often help me through my tough times. I hope I can do the same. Hang in there. And do what you can to ease your load. Can you telecommute to work from home? Is there a quiet, darker room you can go to for a 10 minute break? I'm sure your employer will be helpful if you ask about options.

Good luck! And never feel alone- don't forget your family and friends- give 'em a call tonight.